M.E. diary

Mindfulness is an antidote to delusion!!

Mindfulness is an antidote to delusion!! I love that sentence!! I’m thinking that a lot about my ME is (actually WAS) centered around delusion.

My aim is to end up in a position where im subconsciously aware of everything that is going on in my brain and my body at all times and to such a degree that i can make any changes to my body or environment to keep myself well almost, if not eventually completely,  imperceptibly.

At the moment I’m nudging myself to ‘check myself out’ if i start to feel unwell or unsettled in any way. Ive asked Jon, my partner, to ask me if everything is OK if he notices me behaving oddly or flagging because a question like that triggers off an automatic response in me where i do a quick reccy of what my brain/body is doing and how its reacting to the world around it. An example of this was a few days ago when i started to feel really anxious and put upon and suddenly realised that up until a few minutes before id been really happy and no one with me could have actually said or done anything to me as i was in the kitchen and they were all outside in full view of me. It was a horrible feeling. Jon came in and asked if i needed any help and if everything was OK. He was referring to the meal i was making but it triggered the response in me where i went inside myself and looked around at what was going on – then checked to see what was affecting me and why. Its a process that takes seconds or milliseconds but its an amazing thing to be able to do. I found that the stressed feeling was caused by the music playing on the computer. Id set iTunes going on my computer and the album id put on had finished but it had moved automatically on to a different type of music that had some very heavy repetitive bass. It was the bass that was upsetting my whole being. Fogging up my brain, making my heart pound, and had somehow infiltrated my whole body to a point where it was affecting my behaviour and my well-being. Almost as soon as i turned it off i felt better and all those anxious feelings had gone.

A small breakthrough in wellness. Here’s to mindfulness and lets hope i can keep it up. I think its probably something that really needs to be ingrained into you because its probably really hard to consciously be mindful if you haven’t noticed you are moving out of wellness into a dip.


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