Introspection

Today Ive had to do a bit of introspection because Jon, my partner, is really annoyed with me and hasn’t spoken to me since yesterday afternoon. When im ill im still delusional – about how im behaving and whats going on with me – so easy when im well or only just starting to drop into tiredness but once i go over a certain point its too late and theres no stopping me.

I had been feeling really tired for a couple of days, not ill but id had a headache for two days. I know that the day before, even though i was tired, i was reacting and behaving normally because i specifically did a couple of checks throughout the day, because i was tired, and noticed that i was happy, reacting to other people normally and nothing was feeling like it was too much for me. In hindsight the next day was not the same – i was feeling put upon by everyone, stressed, snappy, anxious, even more tired and felt as if everything was too much for me. I think this happened because i went out on Thursday evening and probably shouldn’t have done it because i was feeling so tired all day. I did tell Jon all this on Friday morning but i guess its early days so he wouldn’t have been looking out for odd behaviour from me – so during a conversation with him i got a bit anxious and started asking probing questions. No one likes to be interrogated and Jon is no different. He told me he was going to end the call because he didn’t want to do this and i over reacted and hung up, sent a couple of explanatory AND accusatory texts then told him his not capitulating to my questioning was now  pi**sing me off …. which, not surprisingly, got an angry response and that was the last i heard.

So ……. all last night i blamed Jon for being unreasonable but today (although i don’t think what i was asking was completely out of order) i do understand why it annoyed him and that my texts would have been the icing on the cake. Grrrrr!! So …. I’m staying in bed tonight, feeling REALLY sorry for myself, getting some proper rest and getting my head sorted out coz when I’m tired it does some really bad things to my life!!