Know Your “No”

Know Your “No”Ann Albers

I check in with myself often these days. As I scan my body and emotions now, I realize I am happy and excited to be writing. Overall I feel good except for some tightness in my lower back. I realize I have been working non-stop for hours with the exception of meals, and I need a breather. As I breathe into this realization and decide to run a few domestic errands, my back relaxes.

Once you know your flow, you will be tasked to say “yes” when you mean “yes,” and “no” when you mean “no.” Once you learn to pay attention to your flow, you can’t pretend that it is okay to sit and listen to a boring person for too long when you’re not in a loving and giving space, or to push yourself past all reasonable limits and work without the balance of play. Once you know your flow, you can’t skip meals, remain stagnant when your body wants movement, or remain silent when you have something to say. Once you know your flow, you are tasked to live in greater integrity with your own spirit. That said, I’m off to run a few domestic errands. I’ll be back soon!

I was gone for a few hours before I resumed writing. I got all my errands done with grace and ease, and even found a few necessities on sale that I had put off buying until today. I checked in with myself, listened, and took action. Refilling my spirit inspired me to continue writing. I now have more to share with you.

If you are going to maintain a healthy energy field, you have to learn to be impeccably honest with yourself first, and then with others. You can’t pretend its okay to stay on the phone when you know you will be late for work if you do so. You can’t listen to another’s tirade and blame yourself for their anger. You can’t pretend you are okay with the dish served at a certain restaurant that wasn’t what you ordered. You can’t say you’re “fine” when you’re sad.

Every time you lie to yourself or life, you create little holes in your aura that drain your energy. Each little lie to yourself is a statement that you are not worthy of love exactly as you are. I know this sounds harsh. Angels are loving but tough taskmasters, yet they have taught me that God loves us exactly as we are, and that to maintain a higher vibration, we must learn to do the same.

It is difficult to disappoint others, especially if you are a sensitive soul. You will feel their disappointment, sadness, and perhaps even anger. You can’t help that. However, you can avoid taking it on as your responsibility. I went through several months when I internally said to myself, “It’s not mine and I don’t want it” when I felt another’s disappointment in me. It was not easy. I can now stay in integrity with myself and I feel so much better. I have more to give the world. I was not able to write books when I was always “making nice.” I didn’t have the backbone to say “no” to the world’s demands and create the time.

I still help hundreds of individuals each week. I try to answer as many emails as I can. I pray daily for everyone who requests my prayers, and I often do missions of mercy in spirit, traveling to assist the dying or uplifting souls who are in need. Nonetheless, I’ve come to know my flow, and therefore I am now responsible for being more honest in life. Ignorance is reputed to be bliss, but I don’t agree. Knowing when you can authentically give does make you more accountable, but it also gives you the opportunity to interact with life in a more honest fashion.

When you say “yes” to a request, make sure you mean “yes.” For those of us who are or were “automatic yes machines” this may be a bit of a challenge at first. My angels taught me when I was learning to be more authentic to always say, “Let me get back to you in a few minutes and let you know,” when someone made a request of me. Because my automatic tendency was to say “yes,” I never gave myself the luxury of time to check in with my own heart and see if I truly meant yes! By giving myself a few minutes to check in, I learned to discern my own truth.

For example, I am often invited to gatherings and events. I love people. I love the idea of going to all these functions, and it is my natural tendency to accept any and all invitations. However, there is only one of me, and I must divide my time up between work, maintaining a house, spending time with those closest to me, upgrading a website, writing books, and doing other projects that refill my spirit. This leaves little time for extra-curricular functions. Even though I miss several fun events with wonderful people, I am no longer spread thin. I am more balanced and more at peace. More is not always better.

I used to give in every time someone wanted “just a few minutes” of my time. I felt I had to do this because a few minutes of my time and the angels’ wisdom often helped that person tremendously. However, when I broke a foot and was forced to contemplate life for five months and listen more closely to my own angels, I realized, that “just a few minutes” for others meant “just a few minutes” less for me. I had to learn not to drain my energy drop by drop.

It is easier to notice the large energy drains in life. It takes a bit more awareness of your flow to notice the small activities that drain you. For example, your boss or a client comes to you right as you were preparing to leave work for the day and asks you if you would mind doing one more thing before you leave. You sigh and say, “No, that’s okay. I’ll do it,” even though everything in you wants to shut off the lights and go home.

You may not even notice the slight energy drain that occurs in this small moment of dishonesty. Nonetheless, add up these moments over the years, and you will harbor serious resentment towards the boss or client for his or her insensitivity. “Why don’t they come to me earlier in the day,” you think to yourself. And yet, if you are honest, you have to own the fact that you have never asked them to change. From their perspective, you have no complaints at all with the situation.

The angels often remind me that no energy is allowed to be drained from us or to remain in our energy field unless we allow it or invite it either consciously or – as is far more often the case – unconsciously. In this scenario, the boss or client isn’t draining you. Your lack of honesty is draining you. It is extremely important to know when to say “no” if you are to avoid being drained of your energies.

Knowing your “no” sometimes requires that you take time in stillness to figure out what you can authentically give to another. I had a client who was taking care of her husband, who was very ill. She loved him and wanted to be there for him, but at the same time, the non-stop care was taking a toll on her well-being. She began to feel resentful of him.

The angels asked her to take a step back and examine, without guilt and shame, what she wanted out of the situation. “Did she truly want to leave him?” they asked, “or, did she simply want more time for herself?” She admitted that she didn’t want to leave him, but she did want more time for herself, and she felt guilty leaving him alone because he was bored and complained when she left.

This moment of honesty showed her clearly that he was not draining her; rather, her guilt was draining her of her own energy. The angels asked her why she felt it was not okay to leave him bored, but it was perfectly fine for her to be bored to tears and have no life. This dear woman realized she had a pattern of martyrdom that she learned from her own mother. She went home, told her husband how much she loved him, and then tearfully told him she desperately was in need of some time to herself and with her friends. He had been so focused on his pain that he never noticed hers until she brought it to him honestly. Together they worked out a schedule that allowed time for both of their needs to be met. This beautiful angel no longer felt drained and resentful. She simply had to stop feeling guilty. She had to “know her ‘no.'”

In another case, I met a man who couldn’t say “no” to his mother despite the fact that she was interfering with his marriage, needy, demanding, and critical while staying in his home. In truth, the mother was just a scared and angry child, but her tactics were really beginning to wear on this man and his wife. When the wife owned her “no” and told this man she could not go on with her mother-in-law staying at their house, and that the situation would have to change or she would be forced to stay elsewhere, this man owned his “no.” He talked with his mom firmly, as you would with a child, and told her that she needed to behave or go home. She chose to behave, and the situation was resolved.

“Owning your ‘no'” means setting healthy, honest boundaries in your life. It means being impeccably honest with yourself and others. The more honest you are, the more your energy stays in your own energy field.