I dont what ive done to deserve this but i opened my curtains this morning to see Jake carrying the lawn mower to the lawn. Bless him. He is mowing as we speak and today im feeling really lucky to have such an amazing son!

Im not sure if hes got better at doing stuff lately or ive got better at not expecting it to happen immediately? I do know that im really glad that since i found out about my M/CFSE, and have started to get some real sleep, i dont have that awful ball of anger inside me, slowly rolling and building until it cant be contained. I do know that im really glad i dont have that awful ball of thoughts rolling and growing inside my head, feeding the ball of anger. Im really glad i dont feel as if i am going mad and that i dont have to pretend everything is ok any more. Best of all im really glad that the only fear i feel now is the one ive had all my life – that my love life is never going to be something that just ‘is’.

Ive never worried about money and its always been there when i need it, and sometimes when i dont, which is great. Ive never worried about my kids, apart from the odd few hours when they go missing or the school rings, and they have all turned into wonderful, happy, independent, funny, clever, gorgeous people. Ive never worried about my health (in hindsight maybe that was a but dumb but i dont think i would have wanted to have missed all the years of decadence and fun that i might not have had if id realised i was ill sooner) and even when ive had little blips in the past ive never felt/thought they would be life threatening, only that they needed dealing with and they would be fine. So why cant i just relax and let my love life ‘be’ and trust that it will be ok? I’ll work on it and get back to you but any thoughts on the subject would be gratefully received.

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