Just get on with it?
I’m a bit peed off today and questioning my faith in the understanding of people around me regarding my ME because of something i was asked this morning. I think (I’m hoping) it was a throw away remark that wasn’t properly thought through and that the person who said its mind was else where because they were waiting for a lift to arrive, but its a question that’s made me think and rocked my world to the core (Jon’s right, i must stop exaggerating). The question came from someone who i really thought understood that this isn’t a psychological illness. Someone who i do believe is on my side and who i thought had offered genuine support. Ive only known the questioner for a year and they didn’t know me before i was ill which makes it a bit easier for me. But, if they don’t understand this illness and what it does to me (having questioned me, and listened, previously) then does anyone who didn’t know me before? Indeed, does anyone?
The question came after i mentioned that i had a sun allergy and that id kicked the a**e out of the sun the last 2 days and wouldn’t be going out in it again until the 2 sun spots i noticed this morning had gone down otherwise I’d be covered in a rash by the end of the day. Oh, and after id talked about the pain in my legs and how the massage helped so much. I have to quickly mention that my aches and pains didn’t dominate the conversation, we’d discussed horse racing, their night out, what they were doing that day, an offer of some free tickets i had for them, work, weather, their sons football match, and probably a myriad of other topics, so it couldn’t have been exasperation or boredom from listening to a hypochondriac (their perception not mine) moaning on and on about themselves. The question was …………….. Sall, cant you strike a pen through it and just get on with it? Deathly silence …………………… shock ……………..
No, no i cant. Don’t you get it? I tried it like that. When i didn’t know i was ill with ME i just got on with it that’s probably why I’m so ill.
That could probably be the epitaph for anyone with ME …..They just got on with it. That’s what I’ve done all my life …………… just got on with it. Put my energy levels into the background and just did what had to be done for children, partners, bosses, friends, my social life, my work life, my home life. My health was the last thing on my list of things to take care of – that’s a lie – it never even made the list. If i was ill i just got on with it! I didn’t think about it, this wasn’t martyrdom, i just got on with it.
When you are like that something has to stop you. The people that love you cant stop you. Illness doesn’t stop you. Having too much to do doesn’t stop you. ME does though – eventually. And guess what …….. I’m glad i was asked that question because I’m really glad something stopped me. I loved my life!! I had a really well paid job managing a team of 7 and being ultimately responsible for 300 people world wide. I had a very full life – 3 children, a partner, a house to run, a great social life (most of which i organised for my friends), loads of holidays, drove all over the country, flew all over the world, having fun. This was my life for years. I did everything spontaneously. The thought came into my head and i did it/organised it/lived it.
Life couldn’t be more different now. I have to learn to plan ahead, make considered decisions. Everything has to be carefully thought through before i do it. Instead of finding this restricting I’m seeing it as a rebirth. A new life and a new way of doing everything. I’ll take time to make my mind up about what i really want to do. I’ll only be doing things i really want to do. Whatever i do I’ll have the time to really enjoy it rather than the old ‘Been there. Done that. NEXT!’ I like the new steady me. I like knowing what I’m going to be doing tomorrow and where I’m going to be. I like the thought that the people in my life now are going to hopefully be in it forever. For the first time in my life i have time to be content with what I’ve got. Instead of just getting on with it I’m going to be sitting back, on ‘it’, and smelling the roses!!
