Its been a while since i wrote in my blog. Its been a while since feeling ‘as well as i can’ meant i felt like I’d found myself again. Its been a while since i felt safe and happy. Its been a while since i slept a whole night and didn’t wake up with that horrible butterfly anxious feeling. Its been a while since i ate properly. Its been a while since i didn’t have one horrible thought continually popping into my head all day long ………. and its that thought which caused all the previous.
So whats the good news and the bad news (coz i always have to find some good news to balance out the bad).
The good news is that it wasn’t my ME that was causing the thought (YAY!!!).
The bad news is that one of the people in my life who i trusted (really really wanted to be able to trust and should have been able to trust) let that thought niggle and fester away in my brain then made me feel as if my ME was causing it. No, worse, actually accused my ME of causing it!! They could have helped me at any point in the past 6 weeks. I asked for help over and over again. It was always turned round to my insecurities, my neediness, my ME, my illness, my past, my baggage, me, me, me and my ME. In hindsight i can see that there was a huge effort put in to make me feel better but just not by owning up and being honest. I did get lots of cuddles and kisses, and a few concessions but i needed words and this person couldn’t do that for me. They made me feel that the cuddles and kisses and the concessions were them being bountiful and patient with someone who had big problems. Five minutes of truthful words could have saved me (and them) so much pain and heartache.
Its great that i know the truth at last and that the truth isn’t quite as bad as my imagination had made it but its bad, trust me its bad.
Its made worse because someone i thought cared about me thought it was OK to lie to me, to ask me to trust them when my instincts said (screamed) DON’T! And the very worst part of this is that my ME got the blame and there i was …… cast as a needy nutcase. In fact, in their mind, i probably still am.
It might be a while till i sleep properly again and don’t wake up with that horrible butterfly anxious feeling, it might be a while till i can eat properly again, it might be a while till i feel safe and happy again. It might even be a while till i find myself again but i was so close to getting me back that i don’t think I’ll have to wait long for me to re-appear. As im writing this i can feel my spirit lighting up again. Yay!! I’m coming back!!