M.E. diary

Im ok :-)

Im ok 🙂 and thanks for the texts. I haven’t written for a while and im not sure why yet but maybe writing will help me work it out.

I saw Michelle my Occupational Therapist on Wednesday and had high hopes for the meeting which surprisingly surpassed even the high level of my hopes (which are renowned for being overly high). My cognitive/retaining powers went about 30 minutes into the meeting and i started to write things down which is really good because i cant remember anything (clearly) from before my brain gave up so at least i have some notes. They are a bit random though:

1.  There are two kinds of tears, the tears im experiencing are release tears. Release of a chemical/hormonal build up in my body – probaby adrenaline.  (I remember Michelle saying that if your face goes back to normal a minute or so after crying they are release tears and if it stays piggy eyed and swollen for hours its the other type from expressing inexpressible emotion – they arent Michelles actual words because of course ive paraphrased as normal.)

2. Emotional Intelligence (E.I.) (Apparently i have  exceptionally good E.I., which, (i quote) ‘refers to the ability to assess and manage your own emotions as well as that of others or even of entire groups’.) Woo Hoo!!

3. Every time you make a choice about how you behave let yourself make the helpful choice. (This was to do with Helpful and Unhelpful strategies – a list of which i read out and which were what gave Michelle the idea that i have good E.I. as id already worked out a lot of the things i did to cover up my ME/CFS. I just have to make conscious choices now that i know what is useful/positive and what isnt.)

4. I am busy, hardworking and an effective time manager. (Two parts here a) Time Management i could do for a living – i have spent my whole life managing time and energy and now i know why!! ME/CFS has been ruling my life. But i am great at it and can see instantly if someone is doing something the long way rather than the short way. I also have a great knack of fitting things into car boots/alcoves/ boxes etc and being able to see almost to the millimetre if they will go in or not. Efficiency in every way seems to be my byword. b) The busy and hardworking bit came about because Michelle asked why i felt i had to get everything finished. Obviously because ultimately im a lazy person i said. I always think that if i just get this job done i can have the afternoon off, then another job comes up and i think if i get this done i can have all day tomorrow off but tomorrow never comes because there is always another job so i never get a day off. She asked why i think im lazy because im so clearly not. Well, i said, my mum always said i was …………………. i can tell you that was one of the most massive pennies that ever dropped. Id come home from school exhausted and want to lie down or spend the morning in bed on a sunday – i remember often during my childhood trying  to prove i wasn’t lazy. I certainly wasn’t lazy because i didn’t want to learn the piano any more – i just hated the type of music i was being taught. I was reminded that id had a serious bout of glandular Fever at 11 and probably spent a lot of my childhood recovering from that. So many things are explainable in hindsight!!)

5. I have everything I need to a much greater level than other people Michelle works with. (Wow! I cant believe she said/thinks that. She said i have all the knowledge already inside me to make a step by step recovery and that i have already made massive steps towards it. I have to agree that just finding out what was wrong with me stopped dead an awful lot of my unhelpfuil stratagies because as soon as i knew, so many things became obvious. I am amazed at what i already know/have worked out.)

6. All behaviour has a positive intention – a presupposition of NLP. (I know a little bit about this as i did a weeks NLP course a couple of years ago. I loved it but dont remember a great deal of it although now ive started to look it all up again im amazed at how much i have remembered subconsciously. Even when someone does something dreadful to you or others and you cant work out what the intention is it will always be to their good even if its not to yours and even if the outcome is negative to them it had a positive intent in the beginning. As is my wont, ive been trying to come up with an action that hasnt got positive intent but have so far failed. Any suggestions please add to comments below.)

Michelle also said i self hypnotise ……  i find it so easy to put things i dont want to think about into a little box and forget them. Its just struck me – i wonder what else ive hidden in this box that i dont want to think about.  I find that a bit of a scary thought.

So, i still dont know whats making me reticent about writing but i’ll start thinking about it and im sure i’ll come up with an answer – i’ll pull it from the little box i hide things in and maybe i’ll pull a skeleton or two out with it?