M.E. diary

10 steps forward, 4 back

I know im still progressing and getting closer and closer to complete wellness but i think ive taken a couple of steps back and im disappointed but thinking ‘this is reality’ and that it seems, even more so since i have been diagnosed with ME, that hindsight really is a marvelous thing.

I think i made so much progress it wasnt so much 10 steps forward as 10 running leaps forward but i have definitely dropped back a step or two and i now have to work out why.

My first instinct is that i got over tired when Jon and Bruce were in Weymouth for so long and even though it was not hard work in any way, everything about their being here was easy and positive, once they left i went into a downward slump. I know i missed them being here so maybe that little bit of yearning did me no favours? I was tired for a couple of days and had the 2 day headache and didnt really look after myself as well as i should have done maybe?

And then i decided to mow the lawn. Jon reassured me that i could do it and sorted my head out about how it should be one (bless hime) –  the mower with wheels not the hovver mower because you need very little energy to push that. Do it slowly and Jake could carry it out of the garage for me if i couldnt do it and also put it away. It didnt quite go to plan. I was ok mowing the lawn but probably not ok to then repatriate all the stinging nettles from my garden back over the wall and into the field from wence they came? And then probably not ok to clear all the borders of weeds and cut back shrubs etc? Hmmm ….. it probably was a bit daft but once i started i just couldn’t stop! Its a really bad habit. When im at about 50% i can stop myself from over working but i havent quite got the hang of not doing too much, when im feeling better, so that i DONT get ill again. Its something to do with learning one lesson at a time. Once ive done a job and its made me ill i know how to do it next time. I dont really understand why i cant learn one lesson for ALL jobs but i guess thats not how my ME brain works. At least i now know how to clean a room in my house, how to pot up plants and today i learnt how to mow the lawn. but  ……….. my garden looks GREAT! Just need all the flowers to come out now.

Im going to get a train up to Ellesmere to see Jon in a day or so and im really looking forward to it. I bought my ticket today and i suddenly felt much better having made the decision and not having it hanging over me. Indecision seems to be a huge part of my ME – i dont remember ever having a problem making  a decision before, thats not a part of me (or ME) that i like much and i’m really looking forward to saying goodbye to that in the very near future!

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